It
has been pointed out to me that when someone tells me they need to
speak ‘the truth’, I roll my eyes and grimace.
Let me offer some words to explain the meaning behind my pre-verbal expression.
Essentially, it communicates two questions: 'is it really true?' and 'is it kind to speak it?'
What is truth?
Truth is an ‘epistemic’ concept – which is a fancy way of saying it is about ‘knowing.’
Mostly when we say we ‘know’ something, we’re saying that we believe it to be true.
The truth however, is that ‘truth’ is decidedly difficult to pin down. That is, you may firmly believe it to be true, but whether it is or not is another matter.
For instance, when I was young, my mother would chide me for some misbehaviour, and as we were walking away from one another, she would say ‘And don’t roll your eyes’.
It was ‘true’ that I was rolling my eyes, but how did she know?
As a very young child, I believed that she had x-ray vision that allowed her to see backwards through both her tough head and mine and therefore, see what my eyes were doing.
As a louche youth, I believed that eye-rolling was my habitual and non-verbal way of expressing doubt about her judgment.
Which belief is true? My mother thinks it’s the first, I think it is the second.
We (the majority) generally believe it is true that humans have walked on the moon.
Now, without saying I doubt that it happened, I can admit that I was not there – and I’m almost certain you weren’t either. (Are you rolling your eyes?)
Perhaps it was faked? (Are you grimacing?)
To be clear, I do not think it likely that the moon landings were faked. But who knows what is true! I believe it is true that man walked on the moon. But I might be mistaken.
What should be spoken? (What is right action?)
Speaking – and in particular choosing what to say and what not to say – is an ‘ethical’ concept. That is to say, it is about how one behaves.
More generally, ethics is concerned with the question ‘what is right action?’ But here, I am focusing on the action we call speech: ‘what is the right thing to say?’
What is the right and wrong thing to say (and more generally do) is difficult to pin down. Maybe even more difficult that ‘what is true?’
The guiding principle for self-behavior is probably kindness. You know, ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’, ‘if you can’t say something kind, don’t say anything’, etc.
So what do you say to a child who is eagerly awaiting the arrival of Christmas Eve and the delivery of presents to the stocking at the bottom of her bed by Santa Claus?
You could start by asking whether Santa Claus is ‘true’. And most grown-ups believe he is a fiction. Or you could argue that he is a figure based on Saint Nicholas, or is the personification of God (and who knows whether He is true – eye rolls), or is a very real representation of the idea of altruism, kindness and anonymous gift-giving.
So let’s pass on the question of ‘the truth’.
What is the ‘kind’ thing to do?
To answer that question, we must consider the hearer and their needs and wants. What is the right thing to say might be better coloured by kindness than by what the speaker thinks is the truth.
To press on this point of kindness before truth, consider the dreaded question ‘Does my ass look big in this outfit?’
If ‘the truth’ for the responder is that their ass does look big, then the responder has been given an uninvited choice which is difficult: speak a lie to be kind or tell an unpleasant truth.
That is, the questioner (whose ass does look big in the outfit) has offered the responder a choice between a shit-sandwich and a crap-wrap!
In a sense, we can flip the same question back on the questioner: is it kind to ask this question 'does my ass look big?' – even if it is ‘true’ that the questioner wants to know?
Feel a need to speak the truth?
Maybe ask yourself:
is it really true? (Thank you Byron Katie!)
is it kind or considerate speak it?
To be more blunt, imagine you are confronted by an evangelist or fanatic who truly believes in the truth of X - where 'X' is a religious view, a political view, or some other cause they care deeply about. And they feel impelled to tell you ‘the truth’.
Did I just see you roll your eyes and grimace?
So you see and understand my point?
And if you do, then you probably recognise the irony of my whole defence.
My eye-roll plus grimace is me expressing disbelief about your belief. The truth is that I’m questioning what you think is ‘truth’. I’m claiming that truth is something that is squirly.
I’m also challenging whether you’re being kind – but yes, in an unkind way.
The truth is that the eye-roll expresses doubt, disageement, disapproval, dismissiveness, even disdain.
And so yes, in truth and in kindness, I probably should not roll my eyes and grimace.
I'm working on it!
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Eye-rolling and how to respond: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyXW2L3VyyQ
A case for truth-telling – occasionally, in the right place and the right time: https://hedgehogreview.com/issues/the-varieties-of-travel-experience/articles/be-mean
